You know me.

Sorry for Saying Sorry. Shoot. Sorry.

Woe to those who [seek to] hide deep from the Lord their counsel, whose deeds are in the dark, and who say, Who sees us? Who knows us? [Oh, your perversity!] You turn things upside down! Shall the potter be considered of no more account than the clay? Shall the thing that is made say of its maker, He did not make me; or the thing that is formed say of him who formed it, He has no understanding? Isaiah 29:15

Mmmmm.

Wow. I have been coming before my Father apologetically. Not because I’m humbly aware of my need to repent but rather because I feel like He didn’t know what He was getting into with me. I feel like I must be a disappointment for not being able to fully and successfully carry out His plans for me. His dreams for me. Man, they feel distant and burdensome when once they felt compelling and ingrained. 

I have tried to be my own counselor. Mending my life back together in order to get back to the place where I can glorify Christ in spirit and truth. But if God created me, knit my inward parts, seen my whole life play out before me... why do I play hide and seek? Lord, I’m tired. I’m tired of subconsciously believing that You are disappointed and getting tired of me. I’m tired of thinking that you couldn’t possibly understand nevertheless show compassion. Yet your word is screaming the opposite to be true.

 “O God the proud have risen against me, and a mob of violent men have sought my life. And have not set you before them. But you O Lord are a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.” Psalm 86:14-15.

And the cross meets me here and crucifies my self-pity, pride, and passivity. Jesus restores my eyes to see Himself rightly. God, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, is painfully merciful, abundantly compassionate, and ultimately loving. It's news worth hearing over and over again. I'll try to stop saying sorry for You having to repeat it. I know you never tire.

I am fully and deeply known - it always comes back to this. You love me because You love me because You love me. 

Sharing and Sheep

I am always teaching my Kindergarteners about sharing. It is a never ending lesson that extends beyond what I thought I 'd have to explain. It is endless as I repeatedly have to ask for grace in order to effectively and compassionately instruct how to share crayons, how to share talking time, how to share love. I find myself often lacking in patience and grace and trying to hold on to one glimpse of hope or  at least a string of truth. Hoping that string will lead to the place that I can remember the Giver of abundant mercy and endless grace. When I am restless and overwhelmed by the thought of having to remind or redirect one more child or feel the weight of my direction and authority being weak. There are moments when I can barely stand to smile at them because I feel so personally attacked by what they do or simply discouraged by how they behave during my instruction. Then it hits me, they are sheep. I am a sheep. We are sheep. I may be a shepherd in their life but somehow that puts a tension on me to be hyper aware of my sheep-ness and desperate for the Shepherd. It is good and it hurts because it exposes the bad in me in order to refine and glorify the good from the father. It is good because it is eternal. It is good because He is writing stories to be shared with others along the journey. It is good because Jesus does not change. It is good because God already sees how I am the day when I meet Him in Heaven. It is good because as I lose more of my sheep-ness each of my kids gets to meet more of their Shepherd. Oh Lord, for a heart that will continue to let you strip away my impatience and trust the Hand that deals. But for each child to know the love that surpasses knowledge, so be it.