Sorry for Saying Sorry. Shoot. Sorry.

Woe to those who [seek to] hide deep from the Lord their counsel, whose deeds are in the dark, and who say, Who sees us? Who knows us? [Oh, your perversity!] You turn things upside down! Shall the potter be considered of no more account than the clay? Shall the thing that is made say of its maker, He did not make me; or the thing that is formed say of him who formed it, He has no understanding? Isaiah 29:15

Mmmmm.

Wow. I have been coming before my Father apologetically. Not because I’m humbly aware of my need to repent but rather because I feel like He didn’t know what He was getting into with me. I feel like I must be a disappointment for not being able to fully and successfully carry out His plans for me. His dreams for me. Man, they feel distant and burdensome when once they felt compelling and ingrained. 

I have tried to be my own counselor. Mending my life back together in order to get back to the place where I can glorify Christ in spirit and truth. But if God created me, knit my inward parts, seen my whole life play out before me... why do I play hide and seek? Lord, I’m tired. I’m tired of subconsciously believing that You are disappointed and getting tired of me. I’m tired of thinking that you couldn’t possibly understand nevertheless show compassion. Yet your word is screaming the opposite to be true.

 “O God the proud have risen against me, and a mob of violent men have sought my life. And have not set you before them. But you O Lord are a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.” Psalm 86:14-15.

And the cross meets me here and crucifies my self-pity, pride, and passivity. Jesus restores my eyes to see Himself rightly. God, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, is painfully merciful, abundantly compassionate, and ultimately loving. It's news worth hearing over and over again. I'll try to stop saying sorry for You having to repeat it. I know you never tire.

I am fully and deeply known - it always comes back to this. You love me because You love me because You love me.